What do you think is the definition of a high maintenance woman?

A friend recently asked her online friends their definition of a high maintenance woman.  I thought it was an interesting question. I’ve used the description before and have heard others use it.  I assumed we all understood it to mean the same thing. I was wrong. There were different ideas from various people but they generally fell into two categories. Most mentioned things she likes to buy for herself.  

“Someone who has to have her hair and nails done, and spends a lot on clothes, makeup, hair products and shoes! It’s all about what she thinks is looking her very best!”

“One who doesn’t work but gets mani/pedis, brunch, vacations, girl trips, designer clothes, designer jewelry, make up, hair appointments over $150.”

One of the men even piped in.  His comment?

“Never got to know a High Maintenance Woman. I didn’t make enough money for them to stay around.”

And then there were those who disagreed completely with the above definitions.  They said that it wasn’t the money they spent on themselves but the emotionally needy woman who never seemed satisfied..  For example:

“I don’t think it has anything to do with what they spend money on. I always think of high drama individuals. Ones who only happy when they have all the attention. It’s the emotional bill other around them pay.”

“I’ll say it’s when she causes other people to exert their efforts in to her existence of any sort, be it physical , mental or emotional or even material. When others have to tend to those things for her. That is high maintenance .”

My comment?

“When I describe someone as high maintenance I am referring to someone who is emotionally dependent on others for her happiness. It might include material things but always includes being needy and clingy to the point of isolating the person she is seeking attention from away from others.”

Although I don’t recall ever having heard anyone admit to being high maintenance, I have seen plenty who were.  I have also seen that most of us can at some point tend to be high maintenance whether we like to admit it or not.  We all have our moments of selfishness, of feeling insecure, of wanting things to go our way at all costs. Dare I say even manipulative?.  

Is being high maintenance a new phenomenon?  Something that our society has created? I don’t think so.  People don’t change all that much. Here is an example from Isaiah of what a high maintenance woman of old was like:

Isaiah 3:16  “Because the daughters of Zion are haughty, And walk with outstretched necks And wanton eyes, Walking and mincing as they go, Making a jingling with their feet…”

Haughty, outstretched necks, wanton eyes, mincing, jingling.  Sounds like a woman who is wanting all eyes on her. All the attention to be on her.  It’s all about her. Read the following verses to see what God had in plan for these women.  

Isaiah 3:17-23  “Therefore the Lord will strike with a scab The crown of the head of the daughters of Zion, And the Lord will uncover their secret parts. 18 In that day the Lord will take away the finery: The jingling anklets, the scarves, and the crescents; 19 The pendants, the bracelets, and the veils; 20 The headdresses, the leg ornaments, and the headbands; The perfume boxes, the charms, 21 and the rings; The nose jewels, 22 the festal apparel, and the mantles; The outer garments, the purses, 23 and the mirrors; The fine linen, the turbans, and the robes.”

God would take away everything that was important to them.  All the finery, the glitz, the glamour. He would turn their beauty into something ugly.   Verse 24 tells us what they will now be like:

Isaiah 3:24 “And so it shall be: Instead of a sweet smell there will be a stench; Instead of a sash, a rope; Instead of well-set hair, baldness; Instead of a rich robe, a girding of sackcloth; And branding instead of beauty.”

All the things that were prized were exchanged for just the opposite. All because of their arrogant, haughty, “in your face” way of life.  

Who are some women of old you think might have been high maintenance.  I came up with a few. Potiphar’s Wife, Delilah, Jezebel, Athaliah and even Sarha.  Selfish, arrogant women of old could be dangerous, evil, manipulative. Let’s take a closer look at them.

Potiphar’s Wife

As the wife of a wealthy, powerful man, she was used to getting what she wanted.   She saw something she wanted, she spent days trying to get it. She was devastated when she didn’t get what she wanted and the revenge she sought was devastating to Joseph.

Genesis 39:7-18 Note verse 10:  “ So it was, as she spoke to Joseph day by day, that he did not heed her, to lie with her or to be with her. “

Delilah

Delilah is probably the queen of high maintenance.  She wanted a lover but she wanted money more. She did what it took to get the money she desired.  This was a “hands on” act of deception that can only be accomplished by a woman with a hard, greedy heart.

Judges 16:15-21 especially verses 15 and 16:   “Then she said to him, “How can you say, ‘I love you,’ when your heart is not with me? You have mocked me these three times, and have not told me where your great strength lies.”  And it came to pass, when she pestered him daily with her words and pressed him, so that his soul was vexed to death, that he told her all his heart…”

Jezebel

This woman had a reputation. She was vicious, conniving, manipulative, selfish.  She expected to be given whatever she asked for and if it was not given, there would be punishment.

1 Kings 18:13 “ Was it not reported to my lord what I did when Jezebel killed the prophets of the Lord, how I hid one hundred men of the Lord’s prophets, fifty to a cave, and fed them with bread and water?”

1 Kings 18:40 “And Elijah said to them, “Seize the prophets of Baal! Do not let one of them escape!” So they seized them; and Elijah brought them down to the Brook Kishon and executed them there.”

1 Kings 19:1-3 “And Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, also how he had executed all the prophets with the sword.  Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, “So let the gods do to me, and more also, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by tomorrow about this time.”  And when he saw that, he arose and ran for his life…”

1 Kings 21:1-16 Note verses 4- Ahab, the king, is pouting and his queen comes to his aid like a helicopter mom.  If you don’t think a helicopter mom is high maintenance just talk to school teachers. The special requests that are made for their child, the constant need for reassurance, the desire to always see their child be the best…yes, that would be a high maintenance mommy.

“And he lay down on his bed, and turned away his face, and would eat no food. 5 But Jezebel his wife came to him, and said to him, “Why is your spirit so sullen that you eat no food?” 6 He said to her, “Because I spoke to Naboth the Jezreelite, and said to him, ‘Give me your vineyard for money; or else, if it pleases you, I will give you another vineyard for it.’ And he answered, ‘I will not give you my vineyard.’ ” 7 Then Jezebel his wife said to him, “You now exercise authority over Israel! Arise, eat food, and let your heart be cheerful; I will give you the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite…15 And it came to pass, when Jezebel heard that Naboth had been stoned and was dead, that Jezebel said to Ahab, “Arise, take possession of the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite, which he refused to give you for money; for Naboth is not alive, but dead.”

Jezebel gets her just rewards here on earth, as we see in 2 Kings 9, and I am confident will be punished eternally  Notice how Jezebel attempted to seduce Jehu by her “outward adornment”. Sounds like the women of Isaiah 3.

2 Kings 9:30-37  “Now when Jehu had come to Jezreel, Jezebel heard of it; and she put paint on her eyes and adorned her head, and looked through a window.  Then, as Jehu entered at the gate, she said, “Is it peace, Zimri, murderer of your master?”  And he looked up at the window, and said, “Who is on my side? Who?” So two or three eunuchs looked out at him.  Then he said, “Throw her down.” So they threw her down, and some of her blood spattered on the wall and on the horses; and he trampled her underfoot.  And when he had gone in, he ate and drank. Then he said, “Go now, see to this accursed woman, and bury her, for she was a king’s daughter.”  So they went to bury her, but they found no more of her than the skull and the feet and the palms of her hands. Therefore they came back and told him. And he said, “This is the word of the Lord, which He spoke by His servant Elijah the Tishbite, saying, ‘On the plot of ground at Jezreel dogs shall eat the flesh of Jezebel; 37 and the corpse of Jezebel shall be as refuse on the surface of the field, in the plot at Jezreel, so that they shall not say, “Here lies Jezebel.” ’ ”

Athalia

It seems like the women of old just get worse and worse. It’s one thing to seduce a handsome young employ, or even to deceptively get money, or even to “defend” your cowardly, whining husband but to kill all your grandchildren!  Truly, Athalia is a woman with no natural affection or love of any kind except the love of power.

2 Kings 11:1 “When Athaliah the mother of Ahaziah saw that her son was dead, she arose and destroyed all the royal heirs. “

Six years later she still is thinking of no one but herself.  The one grandchild who was saved from her murderous rampage is produced and brought forth to reign as king.  Any grandmother who after 6 years discovers that she has one young grandson left would be moved with love and compassion for the child and sorrow for what she had done.  But not Athalia.

2 Chronicles 23:12-14 “ Now when Athaliah heard the noise of the people running and praising the king, she came to the people in the temple of the Lord. When she looked, there was the king standing by his pillar at the entrance; and the leaders and the trumpeters were by the king. All the people of the land were rejoicing and blowing trumpets, also the singers with musical instruments, and those who led in praise. So Athaliah tore her clothes and said, “Treason! Treason!”  And Jehoiada the priest brought out the captains of hundreds who were set over the army, and said to them, “Take her outside under guard, and slay with the sword whoever follows her.” For the priest had said, “Do not kill her in the house of the Lord.”

Sarah

Sarah probably isn’t the first name that popped into your head when you thought of high maintenance but she had her moments    She wasn’t always high maintenance. The Bible talks of times that she was totally selfless but there was that one occasion…that one time she wanted something so bad that she would do what it took to get it.  She insisted that Hagar would conceive a child with Abraham that Sarah would raise as her own. We all know the story. Abraham did as he was asked and the child, his first born Ishmael, was born.

Genesis 16:2  “So Sarai said to Abram, “See now, the Lord has restrained me from bearing children. Please, go in to my maid; perhaps I shall obtain children by her.”   

What Sarah wanted, Sarah got but she was not satisfied with what she thought she wanted.  After making this irresponsible request of Abraham, she turns around and blames him when it doesn’t go well.  

Genesis 16:5-6  “ Then Sarai said to Abram, “My wrong be upon you! I gave my maid into your embrace; and when she saw that she had conceived, I became despised in her eyes. The Lord judge between you and me.”  So Abram said to Sarai, “Indeed your maid is in your hand; do to her as you please.” And when Sarai dealt harshly with her, she fled from her presence.”   

What a sad situation to be in!  Out of her desperation to fulfill her emotional need, she had given her husband to another woman.  Now she had to face the reality that not only did Hagar give Abraham something she could not, the child produced was not really hers at all.

But wasn’t Sarah  praised for her faithfulness to her husband? That doesn’t sound very high maintenance.  She is even credited for calling him lord. So while she had her moments, much of her life was spent in being a woman who pleased God.  Look at what Peter has to say about her…even encouraging us to be like her.

1 Peter 3:1-6  Wives, likewise, be submissive to your own husbands, that even if some do not obey the word, they, without a word, may be won by the conduct of their wives,  when they observe your chaste conduct accompanied by fear.  Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel—  rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.  For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.

Oh here’s that submission passage again.  It grates on the nerves of modern women. How can a modern day woman be submissive to her husband? And why should she even try?  Let’s break this down and see how Sarah did it.

Sarah trusted God.

The first thing we note is that Sarah trusted God.  We are told in verse 5 “

For in this manner, in former times, the holy women who trusted in God also adorned themselves, being submissive to their own husbands, “  

She trusted  him to the point of obedience which ultimately led to her being included in the “roll call of faith” found in Hebrews 11.

Hebrews 11:11-12  

“By faith Sarah herself also received strength to conceive seed, and she bore a child when she was past the age, because she judged Him faithful who had promised.  Therefore from one man, and him as good as dead, were born as many as the stars of the sky in multitude—innumerable as the sand which is by the seashore. “

Her faith in God allowed her to become a mother in her old age.  Something unheard of then and even unheard of now. Her trust in God also helped her be submissive to her husband.

Sarah adorned herself with incorruptible beauty.

Verse 3 and 4 tells us:   “Do not let your adornment be merely outward—arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel— 4 rather let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God. “

Sarah wasn’t interested in wearing fancy clothes and expensive jewelry.  She chose to wear a gentle and quiet spirit. To be a comfort to those around her.  To be dependable and looking for the best interest of her husband and her family. Not seeking attention for herself but contentedly working quietly behind the scenes to make life better for others.

A gentle and quiet spirit are rare finds these days.  There are many women who seem to prefer to be noticed.  As someone once asked me, “Don’t you ever want to enter a room and have every head to turn toward you?”  Women with a gentle and quiet spirit don’t typically make entrances that turn heads. Keep in mind the daughters of Judah in Isaiah 3 and Athaliah.  They wanted others to notice them and notice them they did. Not the kind of attention a godly woman seeks.

Sarah was submissive to her own husband.

“ being submissive to their own husbands, 6 as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.” Verse 5 and 6

Let’s look a little deeper at what it really means to be submissive and why we should be submissive.  The previous chapter gives us a good starting place.

1 Peter 2:9-10, has the following words: 

“But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, His own special people, that you may proclaim the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light;  who once were not a people but are now the people of God, who had not obtained mercy but now have obtained mercy.”

What a positive, uplifting, victorious description Peter gives of a Christian!  What more could be said? We have arrived. But wait. Before we all relax and “relish in our glory”, keep reading.

 As a chosen generation, a royal priesthood and a holy nation, we are expected to be submissive.  All of us, men and women, are to be submissive to the government.

1 Peter 2:13-15 Therefore submit yourselves to every ordinance of man for the Lord’s sake, whether to the king as supreme,  or to governors, as to those who are sent by him for the punishment of evildoers and for the praise of those who do good.  For this is the will of God, that by doing good you may put to silence the ignorance of foolish men…”

We are to be submissive to our masters.

1 Peter 2:18-20 “ Servants, be submissive to your masters with all fear, not only to the good and gentle, but also to the harsh.  For this is commendable, if because of conscience toward God one endures grief, suffering wrongfully.  For what credit is it if, when you are beaten for your faults, you take it patiently? But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before God. ”   

Not exactly the picture of a chosen generation or a royal priesthood or a holy nation that the average person would think of, but precisely what God thinks of and expects from His chosen generation, His royal priesthood and His holy nation.  “Likewise”, chapter three verse one tells us that women are to be submissive to their husbands.

Why should a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, and a holy nation be required to be in submission to anyone?  

1 Peter 2:12  “…that when they speak against you as evildoers, they may, by your good works which they observe, glorify God in the day of visitation.”  

• Those who submit to the government will silence the ignorant men.  
• Those who submit to their masters imitate Christ as He suffered without cause.
• Those who submit to their husbands may turn their unbelieving husbands towards God.
• Every act of submission is all to the glory of God.

Submission then is not a punishment or a degrading position  as the worldly person will tell us. Submission is for the purpose of glorifying God.  Submission is an act of love we offer God. When we consider it our privilege to be submissive because we are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, we no longer look at it the way the world looks at it.  We can confidently submit ourselves to our government, our masters and our husbands knowing that this is the race we are running. As we keep our eyes on Jesus, looking to Him as the perfect example of submission, as He, the Creator, submitted Himself to the creation, we can boldly face what comes our way, even if it means harsh, unfair treatment.

Unless we have had great role models in our lives, we do not typically learn how to be submissive.  Our society teaches us that we are to be strong, independent, fearless women in need of no one..

• looking to ourselves for all our needs;
• protesting the government;
• making our voices heard in the workplace;
• disregarding our husbands.

This is such a contrast to what we just read in first Peter.  

• Strong?  Yes, but our strength comes from God.  

• Independent?  Only in the sense that we are willing to follow God regardless of what those around us are doing.

• Fearless?  Yes, but our courage comes from our trust in God, not in ourselves.

Doesn’t that sound more like the woman you want to be?  Manipulating, whiny, excessive, selfish is not becoming nor is it godly.  Let’s all check ourselves as we go through our day and make sure that instead of being high maintenance we are being like those women of old Peter tells us about…chaste, gentle, quiet.